I’m not good at being a girl

A couple of days ago I talked about how I used to hate Makeup and how I changed my view after a few things happened in my life and this got me thinking about other things I’ve thought and heard around for quite a while.

For some reason, even if that type of feminism is supposed to be gone or so I read, it seems like for you to be a feminist there’s an unspoken rule about makeup, clothes, shoes and things you should like and dislike. If you like pink, hello kitty or anything remotely girly it’s kind of frowned upon and I used to buy that idea for quite some time. Most of my adolescent years I wore black, my mom thought it would be a phase, but I still wear it; what changed was that I learned that I could be girly and that didn’t mean I was any less as awesome as anyone other girl that was not girly.

So, let me say it: I SUCK AT BEING GIRLY.


Makeup. Nails. Hair. Anything related to have the delicacy of a flower takes me time, effort and most of all remind myself that is fine if I like it even if I’m awful at it.

I think that in part is because I fought against it for so long that I need to rewire my brain a little to get used to those things, so in order to get this done I’ve been trying to get back into “girly” things. A few days ago I did my nails for the second time and here is the result:

A post shared by Sakura Ai (@sakura_ai) on

I still need a lot of practice (maybe I’ll end uploading tutorials, hence the new category) and find tricks to make it easier for me to paint my nails, but as I was doing this I found myself reconciling maybe years of prejudices and esterotypes that still remain inside me and my, sometimes, self sabotaging brain.

Maybe I should also clarify that saying something is girly doesn’t make it worse, but certainly doesn’t make it better than “non-girly” things. You can be both of those sides, we are a mixture of things we like, dislike, things that we are good at and things that we are not so good at, among other things.

So, if you like fashion, makeup, clothes, nails. hair, shopping is just as good as if you like wearing comfortable clothes, not dying your hair or having your nails done often and would rather buy books than clothes.

I am both sides.

I like both things.

I embrace my femininity.

I am able to do so because now I choose to love myself with all that I am.

Learn to love yourself too.



Have you ever wondered what do they do all day?

Let me introduce you to two of my family members, I love them unconditionally and they are with me in the good and bad things, they sleep with me and I have no problem with sharing my bed with them; even more when they don’t sleep with me I miss them a lot and it’s harder for me to go to sleep.

For people like me this is, I hope, nothing weird nor unheard of. We find them when they’re small or they’re born at our place or close to it, or we might go an adopt them from someone who can’t or won’t take care of them and they just settle in our hearts and become part of our lives. So much that when they’re no longer there we cry and we wish they wouldn’t have to go. They’re family, however much there’s people who dislikes it or think we’re exaggerating, we love them and thinking about them motivates us.

Meet my adorable cats!


A post shared by Sakura Ai (@sakura_ai) on


A post shared by Sakura Ai (@sakura_ai) on

There are a lot of facts about cats that I could tell you and I know there are videos out there that show what cats and dogs do when they’re alone, but I just saw the trailer for The Secret Life Of Pets and it made me think about them and what do they do when everyone is out of the house.

So, here’s the trailer and I hope it makes you think of your pets, of how much you love them and seriously, what do they do all day?

Release date: Summer 2016.

OMG! You’re wearing makeup! SHAME ON YOU!

We’ve all had different stages of our lives and in some of them we don’t realize we are letting some trends influence us or what someone said might be taken very seriously, especially when you have a susceptible heart and a low self esteem. That was me years ago, my self esteem was so low that at some point of my teenage years and early 20’s I did some very stupid things, but that’s for another entry.

Right now I want to write about something very specific: Makeup and how I used to hate it.

Being raised in a household where I was taught to love myself as I was certainly helped to it, not because my family said nasty things when I put makeup on but because I thought that by wearing heavy make up I was being disrespectful of myself. Why did I need to “lie” about how I am? Did I really want someone finding out how I look without make up just to be mocked and ridiculed for using makeup to “cover up” how ugly I really am?

jinx-monsoon-rupauls-dragrace-seasonfive-cryingIn my silliness I thought that maybe if I OVERDID it then it would be better, so I started wearing heavy make up when I was around 15 and God, was that a bad idea! There was no YouTube to help me with tutorials, no awesome guru’s to show me what I was doing wrong and how to do it better. I also lacked money so my make up was mostly what my mom didn’t really use and that resembled my skin color… in absolutely nothing!

Then I met someone who despised make up so much that I simply stopped using it and entered into some sort of personal disgust over it. Why? Because real women who loved themselves didn’t hide behind an instrument invented to make us look pleasing for men. We were more important than that… when did I realize that was stupid? When even wearing a bra was considered to be a manipulation of women by a chauvinist society.

Yes, I know it’s stupid! Bear with me. I was around 17 by now and my life was changing, my circle of friends changed and the people I was seeing changed too. So, I started to change as well.

The heavy make up to no make up time of my life lasted for a few years and then I started to shake off preconceptions and ideas about myself and about a lot of other things, I didn’t even like Disney! Or I claimed not to because that made me so not cool.


All that confusion about myself, the chaos in my mind and in my life started to dissipate the moment I started to realize that other people’s opinion was theirs and I could disagree with it and if they didn’t like it then it was their problem, that it was on them what they thought about me and not on me to change myself to please them. For some people it doesn’t take much time, but for me it seemed like a very long road and, let’s face it, feeling good about yourself is something you have to nurture every day.

Today I saw  video, The Power of MakeUp, and I felt the need to write this entry, because using makeup has nothing to do with not loving yourself, with pleasing guys just as much as not wearing makeup doesn’t mean you love yourself or you are fighting against the patriarchy.

Today, many many years after all I just described I believe that it doesn’t matter if you like to wear makeup or not, that whichever you chose to do, you do it with one thing in mind: what makes you beautiful is how you feel about yourself, how the love you feel for you translates into beauty on the inside and out.

Beyond Blair

For a lot of people she’ll never shake off the character that brought her into the spotlight, but she is much more than that and if you think she’ll always be confined by the lavish Waldorf last name then you should be paying more attention to Leighton Meester’s life. She’s appeared in movies, television and, most recently, in theater. She might not be in the news as much as other actresses, but it doesn’t mean she has stopped working. Last year she released her album Heartstrings and it’s very different from her previous work, though Your Love Is A Drug is actually one of my favorite songs from her and I’d welcome a piano version of it! Three days ago The AV Club uploaded a video where Leighton covered The Cardigans’ “Lovefool” for their Undercover video series and I fell in love with her all over again.

I had the pleasure of watching her play Curley’s wife in Of Mice and Men and if  Blair made you think that Leighton is a one-sided actress then you need to think twice, Blair was a complex character and, further more, you can see how good of an actress she is during her 2014 debut on Broadway and also read how she gave this classic a whole new meaning with the essay she wrote for The Huffington Post. One of the most important things I’ve learned from following her on Twitter, Instagram and other media is that she is a very sweet, down to earth woman who enjoys what she does, loves what she has done so far and still has a lot more to do in the future because she is not afraid to be who she is. leighton-meester